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22 November 2008 @ 06:17 am
Jason Paul-Adam's Facebook profile
31 December 2007 @ 10:08 am
Ok, this one isn't nearly one quarter as hardcore serious as my previous two notes but it bears mentioning because i hardly understand how the fuck i came to even have a stutter like i do.

Anyone who has spoken with me for any length of time will have noticed this happen every now and then: i'll be talking and then all of a sudden my words will trip up mid-sentence. It sounds like verbal dyslexia (which is not an official term, i'm just coining it as my own term), or as i'm won't to call it: "mush-mouth". Basically what happens is i'll be thinking too fast for my words to process verbally, and it all just jumbles out. So what i wind up doing is literally slowing down my "thought to word" process by speaking slowly after already screwing up what i just said. So what happens is i wind up sounding like even more of a retard then i already did.

Initially it doesn't sound like a stutter, it sounds closer to intense hesitation. Which is kind of accurate actually, because for those seconds that i'm hesitating i'm actually in overdrive mentally trying to rearrange what i'm trying to say so that it makes sense. But when i'm stuck on the same point in the sentence for like thirty seconds, i'm going to have to go ahead and call it a stutter.

It's kind of funny actually, i'm well read. I'll read anything from blogs to books. I'm not in university but i read and think at a university level. I mean i'm a fairly intellectual person. I do very, very stupid things from time to time and come off as special needs when i'm under the influence of marijuana, but 8 out of ten times i come off as a smart guy.......i just sound fucking retarded when my "VD" kicks in mid-sentence (Thats "Verbal Dyslexia" not "Venereal Disease").

I have no idea where the stutter actually came from, which is to say i have a pretty good guesstimated idea as to where it came from, which in no way is the official reason i have the stutter it's just my own inference gathered from availiable evidence. I'll tell you at the cost of the time you'd have to spend reading this note. Now that i've separated about half of you from reading this note i'll continue.

My personal theory is drugs. Thats my grand theory folks, i fried certain centers of my brain after having done nothing but drugs from late 2003 to mid 2007. It was bad, a diet of basically nothing but uppers and mild-hallucinogens...for five years? yeah i was asking for neurological damage. I take no pride in the admission of that, but then again i don't think i ever really hid the fact that i was a drug fiend during that period so it sort of balances out.

I'm not saying drugs had everything to do with my stutterific stuttering, but it certainly exacerbated it. And if it didn't exacerbate it, it certainly deserves to have a finger pointed at it for being the main cause of it. Because the jason that everyone knows and loves (well...maybe fifty percent knows and loves and fifty percent loathes) today was not the jason of five years ago. To paint a clearer picture when i graduated from high-school i was bright-eyed and well-spoken. now, i have verbal dyslexia and clinical depression. Truely i have changed.

To be perfectly honest, no one has any idea why i stutter, it just happens.

The sad thing about my stuttering is that there isn't much i can do to really fix it. I mean, i can act reactively by doing what i said in one of the above paragraphs and slowing down my "thought to word" process. But as for actually fixing the goddamn thing there's naught i can do short of actually going in to see a speech therapist. But even then there isn't much a therapist could teach me besides what i've already done by myself. Which sucks, but i can deal with it. Although it would be nice to be rid of it entirely.

I'm not sure if that clarifies why i stutter, or if it actually poses more questions then i think i'm answering. I'm not one-hundred percent on what or anything i do anymore. Hell, i'm probably just engaging in navel contemplation. The bottom line is, i'm intending to answer questions. If not to any of you to myself at least.

well, seeing as how it's new years eve, seeing as how i've written two previous "notes on myself" (for those of you newly tagged in this note feel free to check out previous entries in this series), and considering what i just spent the past two hours writing and revising i'm modifying the original mission statement for the series and my facebook notes period.

And the mission statement is now this, i'm writing because it's hard for some of you to understand a single word i say. It either comes out jumbled or it's not making sense in your brain if it's clearly stated. I'm writing because some of you don't understand me as a person, and some of you literally don't understand me. So i'm writing now--either in the "notes on myself" series or just in general-- so i can get the thoughts that are in my head out in such a way that it's clear and concise. So that even if you can't understand a single word i'm saying to you in person, you can still flip onto my facebook and have moments of clarity where you know what i'm saying.

I guess when you boil it all right down to it, thats all i want to have with all of you: moments of clarity where i can be completely understood.

Jason -=*_^=-
(or as i'd prefer to call it: why i'm so fucked up with trusting people)
Sorry it took me two days to actually build up the balls to write this note. It's just that this is something of a touchy subject for me. It's not even a question of not wanting to get these thoughts out of my head and into a forum where everyone can see a deeply personal statement made by me, quite frankly I'm all for that. I've gotten tired of people not actually being able to see one-hundred percent of me. So at some point or another this was going to be discussed by me. It was inevitable one might say. What took me time to build up the balls to do this was the fact that now everyone is going to have a brand new perception of me and i'm not sure i want that.

Fuck it, like i really give a fuck what people think. If i did, i wouldn't have done half the things i'd done in the past 12 years.

Some background on the Five times in question-
When i was eleven years old i was a scout. I was good too. i got all sorts of merit badges, i went every thursday night at seven pm. I loved it. Then i got the attention of my scout-masters youngest son, Matt Day. He was seventeen at the time. So to my eleven he had six years on me. He raped me three times: once in the back of his dads pick-up truck, once in my dads fucking church (for those of you not knowing my dad is a United Church minister), and once at scout camp with someone sleeping right next to the two of us. As for the other two times, i'm originally from St. Andrews NB (or rather my dad preached there for a number of years) and it came to be that my family became friends with another family living there called the Gowans. I became friends with they're oldest son Shane and they're young daughter Shawna, they're middle child Josh i never quite became friends with and i'm actually glad we didn't because that would have made what he did all that much worse for me psychologically. He only raped me twice. Once when my parents let him babysit me when we visited st. andrews the summer when i was eleven and again in january after my parents house got burned down (for those knowing or unknowing it was my fault that the house got burned down. I just want that stated and on the record) on my parents bed. On they're fucking bed, the complete lack of respect he not only showed me but them still floors me. And for those of you wondering: Yes i did try to tell my mom about it when it happened the first time. What happened was, after the first time with Matt Day in the back of his dads pick up i went to my mom and told her what happened. At eleven i didn't have the words to explain what happened so i told her that Matt had kissed me on the lips (which he had) and that he'd done some other things that made me feel weird. My mom, who was studying for her law exams, was sooo distracted that she actually tried to convince me that i was gay. No word of a lie. So i kind of figured that if that was the sort of response to what was essentially a terrifying experiance for anyone of any age, that maybe it was better to just stay quiet.

So in total I am a five time repeat-rape victim. Hence the title of this note. That was close to 12 years ago. You might say my life is defined by it. In a very honest way it was. Before, i was a reasonably well-adjusted tween. After, there were multiple suicide attempts, repeat mental health hospitalization, psychiatrists, social workers; the whole nine yards.

I blame most of my instability to that period of my life. I can't blame all of it on that period though, i have a good deal of responsibilty for the creation of the man i've been. My personal instability (the lies, drug addiction, being an expert at fucking people over on a massive scale before they fuck me over, near psychopathy), as much as i would like to blame it on being raped and having my personality twisted: no one forced me to do those things. No one put a gun to my head and said: "Jason, snort ridiculous amounts of coke" no one forced me to lie to people, and no one forced me to repeatedly fuck over close personal friends and aquaintences. The only person responsible for doing those things was me, and to the people who i have fucked over and hurt dearly: From the bottom of my heart, i am so fucking sorry for all the things that i've done that make it hard for you to trust me.

I'm kind of burnt out on talking right now. This is possibly the hardest thing i've ever had to write or talk about, and i've gone and exposed it to the world. Feels kind of cathartic if all truth be known. And yes i'm aware i haven't touched on my trust issues. I'll get to those in the next note. This was sort of a big thing for me, and i just wanted to touch on the one issue so that i could put all of myself in that explaining my issue rather then try to jump from one topic to another. So come back in a couple days and read about my trust issues. So like i said last time, i hope this post was informative. If you have any questions or comments feel free to ask or state them and i'll respond as quickly as i can.


*******TO BE POSTED SOON: My Trust issues********
29 November 2007 @ 11:01 pm
What follows is a series of posts about myself. No, they aren't going to be in any sort of order. I figure once i've figured out how these notes are supposed to be put in chronological order then and only then will i order them into one giant super-post about me explaining why i am the way that i am. Ya'see i've slowly come under the impression that most of the people who know me don't really know me as much as they might like to. So I felt the need to fill in the gaps. Explain my mental outlook on the world. let people into my mind further then what ninety-eight percent of people have seen. because i've always felt that i'm ten percent what you see physically and ninety-percent fucked in the head.

I think the logical place to start would be pain, bceause thats how i validate my existance. I'm something of an insomniac, so my world never feels one-hundred percent real one hundred percent of the time. So logically pain became the best method of determining the real from the dream-like.....if that makes anysense whatsoever. It's like this, when i'm in pain (self-inflicted or otherwise) i feel alice. Nothing is more immediate then the pain i'm feeling right then and there. My focus sharpens, i'm aware of every little thing. It's wonderful.

Yes, i'm a sado-masochist. Call it creepy, call it fucked up, call it whatever you will. I love it and theres not a thing people can do to convince me that pain isn't good for me.

Now from my perspective there are three types of pain: phyiscal, emotional, and psychological. The physical by way of example would be punching a brick wall repeatedly, Emotional would be feeling like the son your mom and dad never wanted, and psychological would be the clinical depression that tinges my everyday existance. I'm a conniseuir of pain if you will. Like i said, thats how i validate my existence. Happy is sort of something that other people feel. i mean i can wear a happy face all you people want want. and i do, it's the only way i can socialize without coming off as one of those angry depressed emo-drones who do nothing but sit in they're rooms listening to Hawthorne Heights and slashing they're wrists. Sad? i don't really feel that much anymore. I'm not sad anymore out of feeling like sadness would be indicative of weakness. Thats patently false. Sadness is a normal human emotion everyone from little kids to grown ass men. Sadness for me is more of an emotional blank. Anger? Anger is one of the few emotions i feel with any real clarity or frequency. I get angry quite frequently and i'm glad i do. Because if i felt absolutely nothing at all i would be a fucking robot. So looking at it that way pain is my anchor to the real world. to the emotional world if you will. Infact i'd go as far to say that without anger and pain it would be very hard for anyone to tell if i'm actually even remotely human.

I should clarify. yes there are moments in my day to day life where i brighten up a little bit. These moments happen at random times, it's like just when i'm walking through some sort of emotional valley something will happen or someone will do something that genuinely touches me that i have to positively emotionally react. I'll laugh, i'll smile, and it doesn't feel so bad anymore. Of course, afterwords cynacism kicks back in and suddenly i'm back to the way i was before whatever happened to brighten my day. I thank whatever celestial forces there are for giving me those moments. Because, if i didn't have those moments or those people i would have fucking killed myself along time ago.

Further clarification: Yes i do have friends. If your reading my facebook or my livejournal then clearly i consider you one of my friends and thus my life-support system. It's you guys who keep me engaged with the rest of the world. I deeply care about you all and love having people like you in my life. and yes i used words like love. I'm not totally emotionless. It's just that my emotions have been horribly twisted from life experience. Which brings me to another issued: Trust.

As many of you that are my friends know this fact, the number of people i trust with my life i can count on one hand. thats five people that i trust implicitly not to lie to me, fuck me around, or hurt me in general. Yes thats a small number, but i have big issues surrounding me being able to trust people. Which is where my next post picks up on. It also touches on the main, principal, number one reason why i have a hard time trusting ninety-five percent of the people i know.

So i hope this first post was informative. comment. Ask questions. I promise i'll answer them.


*^*^*^*^*^TO BE POSTED TOMORROW: The five time repeat-rape victim and his issues surrounding trust.
Current Music: Fall Out Boy: Snitches and Talkers Get stiches and walkers
13 November 2007 @ 09:18 pm
I think the reason i'm not on here as much is because of facebook. It truely is addictive as hell.

Some Girltalk to ease the pain.
jason -=*_^=-
07 August 2007 @ 01:18 pm
07 August 2007 @ 11:50 am
29 June 2007 @ 12:20 pm
I've just managed to come 360 journal entries from the one below this one to the very first entry. I've come full circle you might say.
jason -=*_^=-
29 June 2007 @ 10:34 am
I'm going to start updating Livejournal on a more regular basis. Just ignore some of the lower entries, i was young and emo. however now i'm older....and well older.
Jason -=*_^=-